Friday, May 19, 2006

god, on the phone to mum. she's going on about tam, and killing her arch enemy - she's drunk. great. bumped into tam this evening, she showed me her scans - cute little black and white foetus thing, dam upset now. plus mum - "I'm worried I wont get a little girl, why don't you get back with Tammie?" fucking great. fucking fuck.

Andrea keeps calling, don't want to see her, there's a few people I'd like to see now - but there isn't much chance of that.

met Simon - I had the wrong Simon, lucky I didn't see the Simon I thought it was, might have caused some serious harm, lol, as it was I was rather confused as to why si the dealer twat would be with Tammie. whoops. so great : ) fucking stupid fucking shit. expletives just don't convey the emotion.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Met up with Tammie for lunch, she wanted company while buying a whip for Kat to say thanks for being so supportive, apparently it's not quite so embarrassing if you have someone with you - yeah, right. She seems ok, always was pretty independent; nice to get angry though, supportive & change character for a bit - fortunately I can only manage it for short periods of time with Tam. Probably "history" related : )

Got another list from lil'bundle of karmic advise:

get drinking under control

get over ex wife

meet new partner

be happy

buy house or flat

finally shrug off the Goth label

I started writing one back but it just sounded bitter, so I stopped. Nice ideas though - the drinking isn't too bad - though I can count the hours (87 hrs) since last time alcohol passed my lips & she doesn't mention quitting smoking which heads my Top Five (86.7 hrs) or getting a tattoo which is at Number Three.

I may well give in to a drink tonight - working late, experiencing Envy & Hindsight which puts me in mind of a future Hangover & perhaps some Sushi...

(...not to mention a blissful wash of problem free hornyness)

Bought The Proposition soundtrack today, no whips for me, it's good music to work & blog to - Dark & Spiky.
Bad news last night, Tammie's been dumped by Simon - what a *Cunt* gets her pregnant then dumps her two days before she has to go to London for her first scan. I've been steering clear of the whole affair as much as I can; Def gotta keep out of it now or I'll end up br***ing his fucking f***. Kat also seems to be doing summit strange, get the feeling it's all upside down; if she's seeing Simon (she's all broody, been buying baby stuff for Tammie and cooking her dins) then things are going to get very messy.

Good bit of anger to wake me up a bit.

Monday, May 15, 2006


NihilisticEvilBoy Rides again!

I love the genre: Experimental / Gothic / Comedy

*so* me.

Very tempted to go to the Farm tonight with Peter, but I have three metric tonnes of washing up to do. Slight exaggeration perhaps, and it's scary anyway. or something. (goes red and decides to change the subject)

I have serious cleaning to do tonight - bought Green&Blacks Organic Cocoa to treat myself later on - when I give up and have an early night. I know they're owned by Cadbury or Nestle or some such hive like organisation, but these things have to be done. Made myself sick eating at The Evil Yellow Tit Burger on Western Road - I... dislike that place; this anarchic conformist thing I'm going through at the moment demands these awful bursts of bad behaviour. It's a pain in the arse. Or will be later on.

Right, must clean!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I've been "tagged" by Amy:

"Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along."

It's Sunday evening - one simply must play along on a Sunday Evening!

An "H". Mmmm.

Hangover - had to be, this is the feeling I seem to experience most often, its something I'm very fond of - not those headache fuelled day long nightmares, but the slightly fazed, bruised, probably still a bit drunk hangover. The one that separates you from the mundane world and keeps all the nasty crap out of your face.

Horny - my favourite feeling, a bit of a rarity (he lies) but the last coupla months of Spring has been interesting, as always - now it's that lovely bit of the year when suddenly all you can see is flesh : )

Hopeless - a feeling I've had to come to terms with several times over the last year but thankfully one which is currently off destroying somebody else for a change.

Hate - something I often say but don't ever mean, even my worse enemies aren't the subject of hate for me; dislike perhaps.

History - two sides to this, personal - regardless of the nature/nurture argument my history is *me*, I often find myself acting in an irrational manner and there is usually some spark of memory whispering in the back of my mind which I could trace - if I wanted to. National, a long list of lies and excuses, blatant evil, right wing bullshit.

Hindsight - that haunting feeling when everything clicks into place, and you realise it was obvious all along; I hate hindsight.

Hands - my direct connection to the world, I love my hands; they allow me to create in any media, eat and drink, and make a direct two way connection with someone else in an intimate yet unobtrusive way. And tie my laces.

Hetherington - Jimmy, guitarist from my band in Oxford (W.H.Y.) who I bumped into in the North Lanes yesterday while watching the fun & frolics, for the first time in 20 odd months. A good friend who I'll hopefully get to see more of. Now plays for
Suitable Case for Treatment who sound like this.

Hooked - I've been hooked on alcohol and nicotine, very annoying - the whole dependence thing, depending on people and drugs has always got me into trouble.

Hold - holding you're loved one is the biggest thing I miss (sentimental moment) it's like being a whole person. Hug too, but I'm a bit more serious than Hug.

That was quite hard/fun/distracting : ) It's left me with a take-away&bottle of wine feeling which I'm going to ignore. I woke up coughing and in pain this morning after a night abusing my lungs&liver so I'm trying *quite* hard not to give into cravings.

Birds song is done, as always it's a very rough recording - I like it though. I've setup a MySpace account for it which I'll link here at some point.